Holidays are the Worst

In the morning, feeling hopeful
fantisizing of a day full of fun and cheer
feeling a little superior to single women whom must celebrate alone

At noon, a little nervous
worried about offending him
confused about the coldness in his voice when he speaks (which is rare)

By six, my heart is pounding
My thoughts go back and forth
Help him to cool down? or give up?- you know its going to happen anyway

At ten I go to bed
I made sure that the house was immaculate
The kids are at Grandmas until Tuesday
I am tired and on edge

As I close my eyes to drift off into sleep
"Aren't you forgetting something, wife?"
Oh my goodness he wants a good night kiss!

I don't respond fast enough for him so he pulls my hair
to bring my face to his lap and he holds me there
until he gets what he wants

At the end, he says the only nice thing that I hear from him today, "Happy Valentines Day"

-Anonymous

A Closed Mouth Never Gets Fed

It is happening in YOUR house. Talk about it. Sharing what is happening is the beginning of becoming a new person. You are not helping yourself by hiding it when you don't have to.

If your partner/husband/boyfriend is hurting you or threatening to hurt you, be careful that you do not turn his abuse and disrespect into your secret. No matter what you did or didn't do, his abuse is the ultimate wrong and punishable by law.

Don't Keep His Secrets. Find a safe place to share and then let it all out. tdemisse81@gmail.com

Write him a letter, poem or speech. Speak your mind to or about people who have let you down. Thank someone for helping you, for reaching out to you or for inspiring you. This is your place. Come On!- IT IS TIME TO DO YOU

IF YOU DON'T SPEAK UP NO ONE CAN HELP YOU- A CLOSED MOUTH NEVER GETS FED

So Disappointed

I remember telling an older co-worker what happened to me at home. She said, "Don't act like a little girl, you are married now. You need to act like a wife."

I was so disappointed in her when she said that. She seemed to me like a person who took care of herself. She was probably the only black woman I knew who seemed to be doing things the right way. When she said that, I realized that both of us were idiots and that I would get no good advice from her.

I went home and apologized to him.

-anonymous

You don't have to be perfect

You don't have to be perfect. No one is.
You might be weak (or think that you are).
You might not consider yourself to be smart.
Maybe you feel fat (or skinny)
You might be lazy, crazy or dramatic

In spite of all of those things you still deserve kindness, friendship, happy days, peace of mind and safety.

NO ONE DESERVES TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR THIER SAFETY

But if others really knew what was going on with you, they would be afraid for you. Let people who care about you show you. Get them involved. Let them help you in whatever way that they can. Tell people what is going on. Call a hotline just to talk about it.

The longest journey begins with a single step.

Take one step towards safety today.
Call a violence hotline right now and make up a saftey plan over the phone 1-800-799-SAFE

He said, She said, They Said

What she said, "You made your bed, now lie in it"-
What it means: Don't leave the relationship

What he said, "Never talk about what happens in this house on the streets"-
 What it means: Hide the abuse

What they say, "Be strong for your kids"-
What it means: Hide your your fear, your injuries and keep going. Be a soldier to help your children

Don't leave the relationship, hide the abuse, hide the fear, keep going, keep going, keep going.

What the heart says....

I am afraid to leave and I am afraid to stay

I want my children to have a happy childhood but I am afraid that they cannot have one no matter what I do.

I feel uncomfortable when people try to help me but I know I need help

I still see glimpses of the man that I fell in love with

No More Lying- Start Telling the Truth Today

So many lies... They wear us down. Lies chip away at our self esteem and give us a reason to tolerate abuse. "I am a bad person, I am a liar. I deserve this treatment.".

 How many lies to hide the painful truth from others? How many lies to avoid the beating? Do the lies ever end?

Lying to him about not leaving the house so that he won't know that you went to the doctor. Your arm has been bothering you since the last beating (he pinned you on the floor with your arm trapped between your body and his). Was it broken? He doesn't like it when you say that you need to go to the doctor. He accuses you of being dramatic or of trying to make others view him negatively. But it REALLY HURTS and its been more than two weeks.

You go to the doctor and lie to him about it.

You lie to your friends and family about him ( you don't want them to hate him).

You lie to your children about love (but in this case sometimes you don't know that your lying). "Oh children, he loves us, he just doesn't know how to show it".

You lie to your employer about your absence from work.

You lie so often and so fluently now that somtimes, you lie by accident, for no reason.


So tired of lying. Are you tired? Then start telling the truth. Gentle truths to nonthreatening people.

BOSS, I WAS OUT SICK YESTERDAY BECAUSE THE BRUISING ON MY FACE WOULD HAVE BEEN DISTURBING FOR MY COWORKERS TO SEE.

NEIGHBOR, I AM SITTING IN THE CAR TONIGHT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT IF I GET OUT OF THE CAR, HE WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME SCREAM IN PAIN WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING ME- AND I BELIEVE HIM.

NO, SISTER, I AM NOT OK. RIGHT NOW, MY HUSBAND IS VERY DANGEROUS BUT I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE HIM.


Start telling the truth. Gentle truths to nonthreatening people. Start telling the truth here. Violent truths sent by you anonymously.

Come on, the truth is the beginning of freedom- know the truth and speak the truth starting today.

A Letter to My Mother

Dear Mother,

I love you very much. You are (or used to be) my best friend. We have been through so much together. When dad locked you out of the house in the winter time with no coat or shoes you weren't alone. We were locked out together. When you bought school shoes for my brother and me, I hid them for a few weeks, hoping that Daddy wouldn't notice. When Daddy hit you with his fist becuase you wanted to wear a dress to church, I sat with you until you were able to make yourself presentable again.

When I was little, just like other girls, I wanted to be just like you. My favorite food was your favorite food. Your favorite music was my favorite music.

As I got older, some things changed. My brother started abusing his girlfriends and I started dating. Some things didn't change. Dad never stopped hurting you. When I moved out, I was so afraid for you. Who would be there to make sure that he wouldn't kill you?

Another thing that never changed was the bond that the two of us have.  A bond that was built on being afraid and abused together. The bond strengthend when I married my own abuser.
But I don't want that bond. I don't want to be afriad of the man who tells me that he loves me.

I don't want to be like you anymore. I left my husband, Mommy. I sinned by breaking my wedding vows. I know that you think that I'm weak for leaving. I don't care.

Its over between us. Its over between my husband and me and its over between you and me. I want you in my life. But we need to develop a new bond, a new connection. Lets not keep each other company in misery.